redefine; [re-dif-fahyn]

With an air of erring.

Not only did I go through it, I actually broke it down into its integral parts and addressed each issue. I think that warrants some thumbs up. Our relationship is very literal, that is, very literary; I feel that it has been greatly furthered due to this new medium, Tumblr. Not only that, but through our continuous streams of hood rhymes and raps, to which I find endlessly amusing and exciting. A lot of good laughs come from, it, and I hope to continue it. It’s kind of insane how long our texts have become, but nevertheless, they are great. I find myself to be in a position in your top six, although I feel as though not all of these individuals seem to be in a favourable position. So I’m a little wary.

That is indeed what I said, and that is just who I am, I suppose. Although that was particularly referencing someone’s experiences or personality, it definitely does applicate itself to when “opening up” to others as well. I really appreciate your constant presence when and if I’m down, really. It’s just that I feel that when I’m down, it’s for no reason, or for something trivial, meaningless, and imperceptible. It’s like I don’t want to burden you with my problems (which are usually nothing, just mental things). My problems are honestly pretty insignificant in comparison, but it still gets me down momentarily, nonetheless.

I believe that part of the issue would have to be the fact that we don’t really have any time to connect. Or if we have several existentially small minutes, it’s at the point where there’s no point to express myself (or I’m just feeling completely anti-social). I do apologize for making it seem like I’m cutting myself off, it’s just that we hardly have any sort of opportunities to discuss. Any possible times seems to be permeated by someone else, or just things to do in general. I work best in a one on one kind of situation, but there just always seems to be someone else there. I’ll keep working on it, though.

This misconception I feel can be cleared very easily, if we find ourselves thrust into situations where I can actually express how I feel. The 

Compelled.

I can understand how you were spending so much time on this mind dump. You’re a very proficient writer, as well, your text seems to able to communicate your thoughts extremely clearly. Many lingering thoughts, especially about people, came spilling out. It’s humbling, really, to be a part of this at all, now that I think about it. Assuming that my deductions are correct, I correlate Person Four to be me. If I am wrong, then I am completely off my rocker, and you should ignore this entire post.

The dead giveaway was the undying reference to my distant and cold nature. The part that surprised me, personally, was the insinuation that such attributes have not faded, even from our initial encounter. That, probably, out of the entire post, hurts the most. I feel quite the opposite, quite comically. I feel like I am just trying to get you to open up, but you are not responding. It’s something I can respect, as you have your own things to deal with, but I feel like consistently I’m faced with this cold concrete barrier, restricting me from getting anywhere close to you at all. It’s like this insurmountable hurdle, one where, try as I might to leap past it, always catches me. Maybe we have this sort of misunderstanding, where we both feel like we are trying but to no avail.

You told me, when we first started to talk, that you found it difficult to open yourself to people. You found it hard to trust and get close to people. I remember I said I found myself to open up too easily, letting people inside my ways of thinking and who I am without much of a fight. How much it seems to not coincide with what you are saying; about how when you stimulate the reflexes in developing our friendship, failing to respond, being cold and dead. Maybe it is our definitions and expectations for how we are building our friendship.

You mentioned you had this present feeling of fear and dread (comparing me to my “Person Two”). Why am I so like this person? How do I coincide with him? Why do you feel this impeding sense of doom?

I hate feeling helpless, and unable to help. I feel like I’ve tried, but maybe I haven’t at all. I feel like I’ve been trying to do my best and give you my viewpoint, but lately, I feel like it’s not even worth saying anything. I don’t know if I feel incapable, or if I just feel out of place, or what it is. Maybe it’s been the whole out of place feeling that I’ve been having with everyone, overall. The issue of “just existing.” I feel like I might have more issues to address in regards to this, even more than I stated when I posted yesterday.

I wish you weren’t so, what I feel, “okay” with this whole thing. Particularly the last part; “for the time being at least.” That part is so unbelievably disheartening. I feel like it is a fatalist viewpoint, damning things to “whatever happens happens.” But I wish it was more like, “don’t let it happen.” That’s probably just a minor qualm, but it still bothers.

I’m also glad that you brought the issue involving watching what I say. Usually it’s okay, when I talk to my friends or whatever. I make too many jokes that aren’t interpreted as jokes. But know, I’m almost always joking when I talk like that. But I’ll watch myself. I just felt so surprised after that one time, almost disoriented at what happened, because I didn’t even understand what happened.

Maybe the issue is that I have never dealt with anyone quite like you. Maybe the issue is that it’s actually been a long time since I’ve been able to meet someone new and get (what I thought, at least) closer to them. Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to communicate and express myself effectively. Maybe it’s because you’re the first close friend that I’ve made recently in a while. Well close, in a relative term, I guess. I don’t know what you consider it to be. For some inordinate, yet, odd reason, I chose to reply immediately. I’ll keep trying to build everything up and giving you the “hot” end of the stick (not sure if you meant short end of the stick in your post). I do see a great potential for a great friendship between us, as well. I feel there are just some kinks to work out, and I hope this addresses some of these issues.

Hm.

It kind of bothers me.

Going Home

It probably took 2+ hours to get home today. Lost, cold, windy, drunk and high native people (no racial), late buses, dead phone…

But then my last bus came instantly, and my book is good. That does a lot. Seriously.